Sunday, June 01, 2008

Kids or no kids - the wedding dilemma

Ok, I have a dilemma and I need your help. Since the wedding is getting close (3-1/2 months!) we have really gone into planning mode. We have always talked about it being very very small and to not have much more than a minyan. This becomes complicated since my family (meaning my Dad, his wife, my sister, and her husband) are not Jewish. But we decided that the minyan plus my goyim family would be fine.

Enter my sister and her 3 year old daughter and her newborn little girl.

I love my nieces as though they are my own children. Apparently PHD does not share this love. He is adamant that the kids don't come to the wedding. I can understand not wanting the newborn there but my other niece? I just don't get it. He says they will disrupt the wedding and since it's so small it would be a huge deal. I say that they would be fine.

Obviously I love PHD enough to marry him but let's just say that he is a tad on the stubborn side (ok maybe more than a tad) and when he makes up his mind about something there is usually no swaying him. He says I haven't given him a good enough reason to include my niece. I say that it should be reason enough that it's important to me that she is there.

Help me! What else can I say? My sister says she won't come if she can't bring the kids. PHD (as usual) is showing no signs of budging on this issue (he's even threatened to cancel the whole affair and just have us married with the Rabbi in his study).

I'm the one who will always give in to everyone else before taking what I want but I can't see a way to make everyone happy. Help!


Another meshugannah mommy said...

Oy. I have no answers for you. We chose to not have kids at our wedding, and my kids were not invited to my brother and sister in laws' wedding. So - I understand the impule to not invite the kids. But when the wedding is this small, it is your sister, and it is important to you, I wonder why he won't budge...

Jewish Deaf Motorcycling Dad said...

Are you having any type of reception or dinner or pre/post wedding event that the kids could attend to make them welcome to something?

My mom still remembers (and occasionally brings up) my Bar Mitzvah; one person brought their baby, and it (can't remember if it's a he or she) cried during a lot of the services and parts of my speech. I was so nervous about everything that I didn't even notice, but apparently it was disturbing many of the other people. My wife and I decided not to have kids at our wedding except 2 that we knew. None of my friends had any problems with that, and found various sitters or family to leave the kids with.

At my sis-in-law's wedding, they hired a babysitter to watch the kids (there were several) during some of the key parts, and the kids were welcomed at other parts (like the reception).

Don't know if this helps or further confuses. (hope it's the first rather than the second though!)

Z said...

I hate kids so you can't go by what I have to say :) I agree with AMM though - will there be a reception/dinner where the kids can come later? I am not a fan of the child at these events. Sorry I couldn't help! Oh and blame my Sunday School experience for my hatred of the little buggers. I didn't use to be this way!!! Honest!!!

orieyenta said...

AMM - he's like that. It's a trait that often comes in handy but every now and then is a rain pain ;)

JDMD - We're having a seudah following the ceremony but I really would like my sister at both. I thought about the babysitter thing and that is still an option (although I am not sure PHD will go for it!)

Z - I never would have pegged you as a kid hater ;)

Jack said...

Benedryl in the punch- works wonders.

Kol Ra'ash Gadol said...

Here's my story: When I got married, my mother went completely nutso. SHe wanted to hog all the invitations and my spouse-to-be's family could have "whatever's left over" (She's not normally like this) because "were paying for it" SHe wanted no kids at he wedding, it had to be in a...well, let's just say a very tacky location that she had picked out.
In the end, we compromised. We had it at a hotel, vegan (not, a kosher caterer, but I couldn't get any further compromise on that), I invited only about 20 of my and my spouse'to-be's friends, so that my future in-laws could invite more people, and we had kids, because I reminded my mother that when my sister and I were kids, they wouldn't go to any weddings or for that matter, any other events, without us. I don't know if you and PHD are planning on having kids, but if you do, he's going to change his mind abut this.. and he'll want his kids invited.
IMO: Kids, if the parents are responsible, are not a problem. To the contrary, they add a lot. Even in a small ceremony, older kids (over 3) can take on some small role, and babies can nurse or sleep, as they choose.

Invite the kids; in the long run, neither of you will regret it.
Oh, and my mother after a few years, admitted that I was right about everything. I doubt I'll ever hear those words again in my lifetime, ever, from anyone, so I treasure them.

Another meshugannah mommy said...

So, nu, what did you do?